by Joe Pawlowski
 
For many readers, turning the final page of a novel can be a golden experience.

The monster has been slain and the villagers rejoice. Rosilee has found true love in the arms of dashing billionaire Armando. Mr. Swantee turns out to be Mrs. Swantee.

The robot uprising is contained, the showdown ends with Black Bart collapsing to the ground, and Dorothy learns that the ruby slippers had the power all along to return her to Kansas.

Take a minute to savor the novel’s final scene. Bask in the author’s clever wordplay. Relish the parting wisdom of our fearless protagonist.

Then type a quick review.

I know. This is where most readers are seized with panic.

“I don’t know what to say.” “Who cares what I think?” “What if I end up coming off like a bumbling idiot?” “It’s so much easier to slip off into the fog like I was never here.”

Unfortunately, if you depart without leaving a review, you’re doing your author a disservice. Which is why every book I write now carries this after note:

“If you enjoyed XXXXXXX, consider recommending it to your friends and family on social media. Also, reader reviews are the lifeblood of modern publishing, and posting a brief review on Amazon, Goodreads or your favorite readers’ blog would help a struggling author immeasurably.”

OK. You want to do the right thing. After all, the book has given you some hours of pleasure (hopefully) and the least you can do is repay the author with a few words of kindness. So, you think about what to write and come up with: “I liked this book very much.” And then you draw a blank.

First of all, take a breath. This isn’t deathless prose you’re attempting. Especially when it comes to Amazon reviews, you could literally just write: “I liked this book very much.” BAM! You’ve done it!

Well, maybe you’d like to leave a review with a tad more substance. Something along the lines of: “I liked this book very much. The ending made me cry.”

Welcome to the world of book reviewers.

Still not happy with your recommendation? Fear not, for assembled here, for your personal perusal is a list of book-review templates to help you along. Most of these are from actual Amazon reviews. Feel free to read them, swipe from them, mix and match them. Above all, enjoy them, and enjoy the knowledge that you have taken up the mantle of a proud crusader for literacy, an author’s champion, and a discerning critic of unquestionable good taste.

Authors everywhere bow to you.
 
Here’s the list:
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a strong, heart-wrenching novel. I could not put it down.
 
Simply superb. A story for our times. A message for the ages.

This is a well-written story with great characters. I only gave it four stars because a comma was misplaced on page 27.
 
Janet Redundo fans rejoice! You have a new magnificent obsession. A breathless drama, full of awesome characters and a plot with more twists than a wine cork opener. An absorbing read.
 
The best books stay with you forever. Welcome to the Melon Farm is a joy to read and, though it may not stay with you forever, it will remain in your heart for some time to come.
 
If you enjoy fast-paced stories about likable pirates, then Welcome to the Melon Farm is the perfect book for you. The writing is clear and vivid, and the story captivates you.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is an entertaining and satisfying book. I look forward to reading more from author Janet Redundo.
                                       
This book is well researched, wonderfully written and a literary masterpiece, despite some of the negative reviews posted here. Welcome to the Melon Farm is about humankind’s search for meaning in a fractured and inequitable world, and I can’t stop gushing about it. Those with a different opinion can bite me.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a thrilling spy adventure that takes international espionage to whole new level. A compelling and excellent read.
 
I want to know who’s hunting whom? The rest is just conversation. Story is annoying and deranged. Wait. Am I reviewing the right book? This where you post reviews of Crime and Punishment, right?
 
Amazing doesn’t quite cover it. Author Janet Redundo’s futuristic tale of heartbreak and revenge deserves to be read by all who truly appreciate good writing.
 
Though I skimmed through parts in the middle (that could be because of my OCD), I found the novel a thrilling read. Though I’m not sure where the giant ape fit in. (That must have been explained in one of the parts I skimmed past.)
 
A great story. I only wish it was longer.
 
Truly a remarkable tale about recovery from alien abduction and sex addiction. Hooked me in right from the start.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a coming-of-age classic. You’ll find yourself pulling for the protagonist, Sammy Smarmaduke, as he struggles with the challenges of modern life.
 
A clever and intriguing story that throws you for a loop. You think you know who the killer is but you don’t. I could not get enough of it.
 
An excellent book that made me think that maybe the world isn’t all about me after all. Seriously.
 
I loved, loved, loved this book. Welcome to the Melon Farm is one of the all-time great bodice-rippers. The relationship between Sammy Smarmaduke and Brenda Allthat will leave you panting for more.
 
Though I’m a bit troubled by the author’s overuse of semi-colons, hyphens and em dashes, I must say Welcome to the Melon Farm is a touching story about a girl and her love of violets. What happens to the hummingbird is sad but fitting.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm takes you to a place you didn’t even know existed. Janet Redundo’s fascinating novel is a heart-racing thriller that is, at the same time, breathtakingly honest. A must read.
 
I really enjoyed the characters, especially Sammy Smarmaduke, and the message of this book, which I think is about having a good, moral compass and doing the right thing.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a hardboiled thriller that keeps you in suspense. Twists and turns galore.
 
It was a pretty good story, though I expected there to be more about melons. Still, it’s not a bad page-turner once you realized it kind of glances over the whole melon deal.
 
I agree with the previous reviewer. Where are the melons?
 
I couldn’t put it down. I’ve read it three times and I still can’t put it down. I may never read another book.
                           
Starts out slow but builds to a riveting crescendo. Janet Redundo has the talent of a great writer. Bravo!
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a very good read. I only wish I’d read it before I joined the convent. The book’s existential angst has me questioning everything.
 
This is a good book for the beach or the cabin. Light and witty. Overall, a tasty read. Pass the suntan lotion.
 
Janet Redundo does not disappoint. Welcome to the Melon Farm is a haunting and beautiful story.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a great read. Razor-sharp storytelling, three-dimensional characters and breezy plotting add up to an incredible book. A real gem.
 
Oh, dearie me! Janet Redundo, once one of my favorite authors, has fallen under the spell of the 50 Shades of Grey crowd. Janet, climb out of the gutter with your sex toys and impossible contortion acts. The Lord is watching.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm delights and enthralls. It is so good, I’m suggesting it to my book club.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a rollercoaster ride that will have you laughing one minute and crying the next. It is so good, I’m suggesting it to my bowling league.
 
Well done. An epic story. Creepy and intriguing.
 
I was so excited to read this book and it did not disappoint. Janet Redundo had written a jaw-dropping tale of mystery and intrigue.
                          
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a suspenseful thriller with characters, plot and writing that will remind you of Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett.
 
Janet Redundo delivers an enthralling tale that piques your curiosity from the start and holds you by the collar to its last haunting page. A brilliant and bizarre tour de force.
 
This book starts out well enough, but somewhere between the Shriners arriving in their clown cars and the invasion from Uranus, it lost me. I’ll give it three stars. It’s not as good as the Twilight books.
      
Welcome to the Melon Farm is one of the best books I’ve read in a long time. Plenty of plot twists. Plenty of suspense.
 
This book is slow, offensive, cliché, superficial and poorly written, which is why I cannot give it more than 4 out of 5 stars. Sorry, Janet.
 
Welcome to the Melon Farm is a sad and sobering tale of perseverance and survival. If you liked Madame Bovary, you’ll love Welcome to the Melon Farm.
 
This is the Janet Redundo we know and love. A spellbinding masterpiece.
 
Though sometimes predictable, the author keeps your interest, as our hero Sammy Smarmaduke battles the evil Dr. Hammerstorm and his gang of flying reptiles from another dimension. The invisible urban assault vehicle is a nice touch.
 
A moving and absorbing tale. Highly recommended.
 
I love Janet Redundo’s books. They have such style and wit. Welcome to the Melon Farm is no exception. I couldn’t stop reading it.
Very well-written with good character development, Welcome to the Melon Farm introduces us to Sammy Smarmaduke and his hilarious crew of dystopian lightweights. This is Janet Redundo at the top of her game.
 
Janet Redundo is a wonderful writer and Welcome to the Melon Farm is like a gateway to another world. Gripping and heartwarming. Move over, Nicholas Sparks.
 
If there is one book I would urge you to read, it’s this one. I’ve given it five stars and would award it more if I could.
 
Have you ever finished a book and felt a sense of loss that it was over? For me, Welcome to the Melon Farm is such a book. The plot is mesmerizing. The characters are memorable. It puts me in mind of To Kill a Mockingbird.
 
Although I generally enjoyed Welcome to the Melon Farm, I found it difficult to have empathy for the main character, Sammy Smarmaduke. In the end, he gets what he deserves.
 
Kept me up all night reading. I had to find out who killed Sammy Smarmaduke. A barn-burner of a page-turner.
 
One star does not mean I think it’s a bad book. Welcome to the Melon Farm is worth a quick read if you have no junk mail or supermarket ads laying around. Also might be good as a bathroom book to keep on hand for when you’re going in there for a while. Otherwise, pretty much any other book on the planet would be a better choice.
 
I loved this book. I finished it in a day. I didn’t see the ending coming.
 
Janet Redundo weaves a richly layered yarn of mystery and adventure. Her characters come alive on the page as they wage a battle against the forces of evil. The result will keep you on the edge of your seat.
 
Can’t wait for the sequel. Janet Redundo is like Mr. Rodgers on acid. How far down the rabbit hole will she take us naughty boys? Ask me next week. Or ask the dandelion seeds. And prepare to have your mind blown.
 
 
Joe Pawlowski is a novelist and short-story writer whose works include The Vermilion Book of the Macabre, Dark House of Dreams and The Cannibal Gardener, among others. His books are “impeccable,” his style “transformative,” his plots “mind-blowing,” his characters “relatable,” and his themes “brilliant.” If you disagree, feel free to slip away into the fog like you were never here.